O.G. Ghostwriter

The lifelessness I've led has made me into the grand writer I am today. There was a time when I lurked in the cellars of the Paris Opera House, singing songs and wearing masks, a time when I commanded The Flying Dutchman, braving the seas and bringing disaster with me everywhere I sailed, and a time when I challenged Hamlet to decide whether to be or not to be – personally, that wasn't much of a problem for me, for I once was but no longer am.

During my long haunting years I have experienced so much. The next logical step is to write my own experiences into a book, and that is exactly what I'm doing. 

Behold! My autobiography, Confessions of O.G. Ghostwriter, a masterpiece just waiting to be written. I shall describe in excruciating detail everything that has ever happened to me. It’s going to be a banger. The quill is sharpened and the inkwell opened; now, let the magic happen! I shall think for a moment. What would be a brilliant beginning for my grand novel? "It was a dark and stormy night." Or was the night "dark and windy" instead...?

 

 

The fax machine is beeping! Let's see what kind of assignment is on offer this time… I live in a big, old, spiderweb-infested mansion, and the electric bills are huge just to keep the building warm. I don’t mind the coldness, or dampness, the decay, nor the despair, but the house does and she will turn rotten if I don’t take good care of her. I need to offer my ghostwriting services to anyone who is willing to pay me. It slows down the completion of my novel, but it is what it is. Fax is facts, and the fact is this lifelessness has to be financed somehow. And I'm certainly not going to move into a smaller apartment! So, a new assignment. Let's see…

Write a clickbait headline for Evening Gossip, topic of your choice.

Wonderful, quality journalism is still thriving. So nice of them to ask for my services, I really feel like I’m contributing to society here. Alright, what topic would interest everyone? Well, politics is always a safe bet. Our former party-loving prime minister is so popular worldwide that anything about her will absolutely get a lot of views. I'll write something like… 

Finland's Former Prime Minister Saima Samarin Participates in Naples Peace Conference, Promotes Female Leadership and Vows to End Chauvinism

No no no, nobody would read that drivel. I'll just put:

Party-Saima's HOT HOT HOT Beach Holiday in Italy – See the Sizzling Pictures!

That went smoothly, unlike her term as prime minister. Faxing it, like so, and then back to my own work. So “it was a dark and stormy night"... Or was it a sunny and clear day? Can't quite remember anymore...

Curses, the fax is beeping again! It is impossible to concentrate when it's constantly beeping! It's horrifying to think what would have happened to me if I, as a small ghost, had been constantly exposed to beeping devices. I wouldn't have learned, noticed, or accomplished anything.

Write a back cover blurb for the attached romance novel, regards Amore Press. 

They are faxing the whole damned book! This is going to take ages, and it uses up so much paper. I can't wait for the whole book, but I'll just flip through the beginning and then write... something...

Anastasia Hämäläinen: Love in the Time of the Great Wrath

Josefine, the fair-haired, rosy-cheeked heiress of a country manor, finds herself in a desperate relationship with Grigori, the tall and handsome captain of the invading enemy army. The mute and mysterious captain carries with him a dark secret as well as the bubonic plague. Will the lovers find each other as the disease spreads and Ostrobothnia burns?

The latest hit novel by the acclaimed and beloved author Anastasia Hämäläinen takes readers on an overly romantic adventure...

Wait a minute, I wrote this awful trash novel myself! It's incredible that a bestselling author can't write her own bestsellers, but has to resort to the services of a ghostwriter. I don't get a word of thanks, not even library compensation.

The fax machine is beeping again!

Write a speech for the President of Finland for the upcoming European Council meeting, he's competing in the Ironman Games and too busy to write it himself. 

No, I'm not writing any speeches. Make up your own political lies! Too many distractions from that fax today. They should legally ban such machines and go back to scribbling letters by hand. I'll ignore the message and focus on writing my own novel.

So “it was a dark and stormy night”. Aah, that’s some quality writing right there, written by yours truly, me, O.G. Ghostwriter, the greatest literary mind the world has ever seen! … and yet, here I am, mostly talking to myself. What a waste – someone ought to be writing this down.