Stud or Dud?

When I was finally released from jail, I found my old “friend” Mr Suit waiting for me outside the station, shivering in the cold and cursing to himself. Having had to wait in the parking lot for the duration of my custody, he’d managed to earn himself both a parking ticket and a foul mood. 

I probably shouldn't mention this, as it is a secret, but then again, I’m just mumbling here to myself and absolutely no one cares what I have to say… As he was berating me in the parking lot, Mr Suit told me in a moment of frustration that he is an underpaid jack-of-all-trades for an anonymous Korean gambling organisation. Today his task is to deliver me to a secret location for some high-stakes games. If he wishes to continue his employment and his hobby of harassing the debt-ridden, he must pay for parking tickets, travel expenses and medical bills himself. 


Listen here, you little shibal, I said to him, your money troubles are not my problem. So it took a long, long time for me to be released from the slammer. But was it really my fault? That I, as a prisoner with no ID, refusing to cooperate and babbling incoherently in a foreign language, caused the police a mountain of paperwork? At least he was getting paid for the entire week and a half he spent waiting for me in the parking lot.

He replied that his salary doesn't cover providing special treatment for delusional lifestyle criminals. The next thing I knew, I was in the trunk of his car on my way to an unknown destination. Well, this isn't the first time I've been ghostnapped, but let's not get into that right now. 

I found a women's magazine in the trunk, and reading it brings back a lot of memories. I remember pitching several relationship articles to the local glossies back home, but those high-and-mighty ladies didn't care for my perspectives on the dating struggles of the dearly departed! 

The memories are grim, but to pass the time, I might as well answer the "Questions of the Week" in this magazine… it gives me a chance to brush up on my Korean…

Is Your Man a Stud or a Dud? Answer the following questions and find out if the guy is worth your time!

Here we go! Let’s see the first question… 

You’re going on a first date. Where is he taking you?

A date? With a total stranger? In the unlikely scenario that this ever happened, I would choose the most public place possible, like a supermarket. That way, I could get my shopping done at the same time, and if the date turns out to be a complete nutcase, I could save myself by bolting through the self-checkout. 

You’ve spent the whole day getting ready for him! Makeup, clothes, hair, the whole works! How does he compliment you?

Hmm? Craving compliments, are we? Is life so empty that one must seek external validation? If nothing else, then compliment yourself! That’s what I always do, and I do it perfectly! What’s next… 

Is he a good listener?

A writer’s greatest tool is the ability to listen to others. Or more accurately, the ability to eavesdrop. I’m practicing that right now, trying to figure out where Mr Suit is driving me. He seems to be cursing quite a lot.

Ugh, enough with the questions! Who cares? All that matters is writing masterpieces in one’s own beloved manor. I think I’ll just settle in and make myself comfortable here in the trunk. I might even take a little nap. My financial worries will be a thing of the past once I start gambling…


... 



Previous Chapter: Valentine's Day Memories

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

O.G. Ghostwriter

Image
The lifelessness I've led has made me into the grand writer I am today. There was a time when I lurked in the cellars of the Paris Opera House, singing songs and wearing masks, a time when I commanded The Flying Dutchman, braving the seas and bringing disaster with me everywhere I sailed, and a time when I challenged Hamlet to decide whether to be or not to be – personally, that wasn't much of a problem for me, for I once was but no longer am. During my long haunting years I have experienced so much. The next logical step is to write my own experiences into a book, and that is exactly what I'm doing.  Behold! My autobiography, Confessions of O.G. Ghostwriter , a masterpiece just waiting to be written. I shall describe in excruciating detail everything that has ever happened to me. It’s going to be a banger. The quill is sharpened and the inkwell opened; now, let the magic happen! I shall think for a moment. What would be a brilliant beginning for my grand novel? "It wa...
Read more

The Nightmare Before Halloween

Image
What a night! Drizzle and despair, death and desolation! Darkness has fallen over the land, and October has driven everybody indoors to whine and complain about the weather. The terrible weather suits me just fine, for I’ve never felt more unalive!  A good day, in short. No external writing assignments in sight, and I’ve also unplugged my fax machine, so I can continue writing my latest novel in peace. This time, I'm trying a stream-of-consciousness technique. The working title of the book is “Ghost of the Cloth”. It’s a riveting story about a young ghost choosing a suitable sheet to wear from his grandmother's linen closet while other ghost relatives argue nearby. I'll describe the difficulty of making a choice over a whopping 900 pages. This is sure to be a massive hit! Hmm, let's see... "I’ll tell this secret to you alone, this linen I have chosen will never be my own…” The doorbell rings! Oh, for crying out loud, who could that be at this hour? How do I look? I...
Read more

Matcha Made in Heaven

Image
Dear Diary! I am in Korea for reasons you already know. Hanging out at the subway stations has allowed me to focus on the essentials, namely writing my latest bestseller-to-be, "K-Style Tips for Fashion-Impaired Travelers." Here is a small excerpt: "In Korea, the favored dress code is primarily black or white, possibly grey if you happen to be in a particularly wild mood. Travelers dressed in white sheets can therefore breathe a sigh of relief, as wearing your signature outfit will ensure you blend into the enviable crowd of style icons as easily as matcha powder into hot water..." Pretty good stuff, huh? It's guaranteed to fly off bookstore shelves faster than you can say: Buy my books, because I desperately need the money!  Speaking of matcha… I am currently writing this diary entry in a trendy cafe like some chic modern-day ghoul, and I'm just going to say, the cafe business has gone to hell! I tried to order a plain coffee with milk, and I was asked if I...
Read more