Ghostmemoirs of a Geisha
Great news! I’ve finally landed an assignment in my own field. While I was a patient at the hospital,
I got to know a nurse who kindly arranged a meeting for me with a
potential new client. Apparently, she’s a friend of a friend of a
friend, with an interesting profession. This lady wants to write her
memoirs with a professional ghostwriter, and naturally, I am available.
We
agreed to meet in a local park, and it really is quite pleasant here – warm, with flowers everywhere. The cherry trees are already past their
peak, yet people are still eagerly snapping photos of them. That’s just
how it is: you have to enjoy life, for it turns into lifelessness before
you can even say...
Geisha: Konnichiwa!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Huh?
Geisha: Good day! We had a meeting scheduled?
O.G. Ghostwriter:
Oh, of course, please, have a seat. I was just startled by your
appearance... your dress and your whitened face. Is this how the youth
of today dresses?
Geisha: I am a geisha. A professional artist and entertainer. This is a kimono.
Geisha: I couldn't possibly…
O.G. Ghostwriter: Just take it.
Geisha: I really couldn't!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Fine, I’ll keep it.
Geisha: No, give it to me! Thank you very much. I see you’ve wrapped this very carefully in newspaper. I wonder what’s inside the package?
O.G. Ghostwriter: It’s a keychain. I know a Moomin one would have been preferred, but I’m not that big on Moomins myself, so I’m giving you this one instead. I got it for free at some recruitment event. It says “Association of Unemployed Humanists,” and it even has the phone number for the social services office on it. I hope you like it!
Geisha: Thank you very much for this… incredibly thoughtful gift.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Don't mention it! Let’s get straight to it, shall we? You want me to write your memoirs? You are a bit young to be reminiscing about the olden days, but who am I to judge? Reminisce away! Besides, you won't find a better ghostwriter on this side of the globe. I am widely read, cultured, and empathetic – an expert on any subject imaginable.
Geisha: Wonderful! Then I can entrust my story to your hands.
O.G. Ghostwriter: My own knowledge of geishas is mostly limited to old movies, but I do know it’s an old and respected profession. Perhaps we could, however, start the book with an explanatory chapter on “what is a geisha,” and then move directly to your own stories…
Geisha: Well, the content of the book, of course, depends on your imagination.
O.G. Ghostwriter: …hmm?
Geisha: You make up the story, write it for me, and I put my name on the cover. That’s how ghostwriting works, right?
O.G. Ghostwriter: Listen here, we were talking about ghostwriting memoirs. I haven't lived your life, and I know nothing of your experiences. If I start writing your book out of my own head, we’re moving into the realm of fiction. Even if my face is white and my robe is kimono-like, I have NEVER worked as a geisha…
Geisha: Yes, but –
O.G. Ghostwriter: …though if I had, I’m sure I’d be the most sought-after geisha in all of Kyoto! My admirers would have followed me everywhere. I would have played my lute and flashed my ankles, and doors would have opened to an arranged marriage, wealth, idleness, and portliness!
Geisha: See? Your memoirs are just as believable as mine. To be honest, I’m not even really a geisha.
O.G. Ghostwriter: …
Geisha: I’m just cosplaying as one.
O.G. Ghostwriter: …
CosPlayGeisha: I've reinvented myself just to annoy my parents. I thought that while I was cosplaying, I might as well publish a book and earn a little extra on the side.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Why don't you annoy your parents the typical way? Choose a spouse they can’t stand? Become a social media influencer? Study for a PhD in communications?
CosPlayGeisha: My father is one of the most influential men in Japan, and he wants me to follow in his footsteps in professional life. But I don’t want to! I want to create my own career, on my own terms, and if I want to be a geisha, then I’m a geisha. At least until I think of something more fun…
O.G. Ghostwriter: The youth of today! Making a mockery of things they don't understand, just to spite their parents. No respect for anything!
CosPlayGeisha: So, are you going to write the book or not?
O.G. Ghostwriter: Why didn't I become an electrician? A guaranteed job until retirement... What does your father do for a living, anyway?
CosPlayGeisha: My father is one of the bosses of the Kobe Yakuza.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Works at a car factory, does he? He’d probably appreciate the jokes I’ve written about the Toyota Corolla –
CosPlayGeisha: Not Toyota. Yakuza.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Listen, I can't even tell car brands apart. Do you really think that I, as an author and a creative thinker, could even afford a car? Toyotas, Yakuzas, tomato, tomahto, they’re all the same to me.
CosPlayGeisha: Answer me! Are you going to write my book or not?
O.G. Ghostwriter: The profession of a geisha is deeply respected in Japan. Would I be so foolish as to make light of the subject?
CosPlayGeisha: Yes or no?
O.G. Ghostwriter: I can't believe I'm saying this, but no, I won't write it. Writer’s ethics, and all that.
CosPlayGeisha: You can have your keychain back, you… sheethead! I’m telling my father about this!
O.G. Ghostwriter: You do that. I’m shaking in my boots. As they say, you can end your days comfortably in a Toyota!
CosPlayGeisha: Goodbye! And thank you very much for this meeting. I hope you enjoy your stay in our country!
O.G. Ghostwriter: So much for that assignment. It's difficult to keep up good relations with potential clients when they are completely insufferable. Writing is a delicate business, and not every project works out. What did we learn from this? Absolutely nothing! I’ll sit here for a moment longer and look at the cherry trees. They are beautiful. I just wish they’d bloom a little longer.
...
Next Chapter: Coming soon...
Previous Chapter: Konmarinated
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