Worthy of an Onsen

Maybe I want nothing more than to just be here, enjoying the caressing effect of the warm water on my aching limbs. They say that bathing in a volcanic hot spring in the Land of the Rising Sun is good for your health, and I must say, I do feel a tad more relaxed…

An outsider might wonder why I – a sheet-clad author who has roamed the earth for thousands of years – would have any need to lounge around in a hot spring. Well, when you’re unemployed and have infinite time on your hands, what the hell else are you supposed to do?

Financial troubles are all I can think about, but I’ll try to relax anyway. They claim that soaking in an onsen is therapeutic. I’m just wondering when exactly the therapy is supposed to start? I fear that the things weighing on me, along with recent events, make me feel so dirty that not even sitting in hot spring water will cleanse me.

The Japanese bathe constantly; where the locals lead, the tourists follow, and finally there’s me, only dipping my toes in because the whole thing just dampens my spirit. I admit, I have trouble following the codes of conduct in foreign lands. One gets used to the flow of lifelessness moving a certain way, and then suddenly, you're faced with a situation where a pouting, protesting, and penniless old dog must learn new tricks.

Like spa etiquette.

I received a fair amount of criticism from the other bathers when I entered the shower room wearing my sheet. Apparently, you’re supposed to enter an onsen stark naked and scrubbed squeaky clean. Well, clothes need washing every now and then too, and if I’m already going to lounge in a hot spring, why not soak the sheet at the same time? I always do it in my own bathtub. It saves both time and water-heating costs!

They called a guard on me, but since an old dog can learn after all, I prevented the situation from escalating by promising to leave the sheet soaking in a bucket while I soak in the spring myself. Grumbling, muttering, it’s not like me to give in. I wonder if I’m actually getting old, seeing as the situation went so peacefully? In my prime, I would have put up a fight and been tossed out on the street.

I brought the sheet bucket here right next to the spring so I can keep an eye on it while I’m bathing. There’s no way Murakami’s monkey is stealing anything from me! I’ll add a bit of spring water into the bucket so the sheet can try out a hot bath too… What on earth are those other bathers staring at? My bucket-bathed sheet is just as worthy of an onsen as those lemon-sucking judgmentalists. 

While soaking here, I might as well ponder the concept of aging and the dignity associated with it. I didn’t have time to experience old age before my lifelessness began, but since I’ve been spectating this whole charade for some two thousand years, I dare say I have attained some insight into the matter.

So, as a person ages, they’re supposed to spontaneously transform into some noble old geezer who knows how to behave in a way that pleases the youth. They claim, you see, that aging brings dignity. Like hell it does! Aging only brings extra pounds and health problems!

Nowadays, wherever I go, people tell me that judging by my behavior, I’m barely of age, but based on my appearance, I ought to be six feet under. Here’s what I want to know; why should I behave with dignity just because others expect it of me? It’s not as if anyone else behaves the way I’d want them to.

I wonder what’s gotten into those fellow bathers, leaving so pointedly like that? Are you not allowed to talk to yourself anymore? People are allowed to blabber away on their cell phones in public, but if you mutter to yourself, you’re branded a lunatic. Strange folk! I’ll pull the bucket a bit closer to me, just to make sure no one steals it…

They say that visiting an onsen makes a person ten years younger. They also say that onsen water cleanses one of evil spirits. Well, my own evil spirits live inside my head, and since diving is forbidden here, how the hell am I supposed to get cleansed of them? Huh? Just asking!

On the other hand, it just occurred to me… what if I drank this water? Just pour the hot water down my throat; that’s what they do in China. The smell is a bit suspicious, like rotten eggs. I’d better rinse my sheet with tap water, otherwise the smell will cling to me and they’ll take me for a walking corpse.

Now the guard is heading toward me with an irritated look on his face. I’ll grab the bucket in my arms if and when I have to leave abruptly. Yes? Who, me? Excuse me? Ranting or loud conversation isn’t allowed? Who’s even conversing here? I’m just talking to myself. Oh, so my monologue is disturbing others? So what? Why do you care? Maybe talking to myself is exactly the therapy I came here for.

Oh, you’re asking me to leave? Do you think this is the first time I’ve been kicked out of an institution? Oh, I belong in an institution? Is that any way to talk to an older person? Now listen here, young man. There’s one good thing about aging: you stop giving a damn about what others think of you!

Fine then, I’m leaving! But guess what? I’m taking this bucket with me!

...

Next Chapter: Coming soon...

Previous Chapter: Pachinko Ball and Chain