Sake for Goodness' Sake
Finally, dry land beneath my feet! My departure from Tsushima was a swift one; I leaped from a cliff into the sea, swam freestyle for dozens of kilometers, got tangled in the propeller of a passing fishing boat, spun round and round, and once the boat reached the harbor and the worst of the vertigo subsided, I finally managed to pry myself loose and ended up… right here. It looks like Japan, it sounds like Japan, but is it Japan?
I am soaking wet and covered in seaweed. I look like some mythical sea monster from local folklore! Squish, squish goes every step. I’ll try to wring the worst of the water from my robe and find somewhere to warm up. Over there seems to be an inviting, if slightly shabby, restaurant. It is already late, but the door is open, so I’ll step inside and go straight to the bar to ask where exactly I am.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Excuse me, where exactly am I?
Bartender: You’re asking me where you are?
O.G. Ghostwriter: Yes, where am I?
Bartender: Have you forgotten where you are?
O.G. Ghostwriter: Well, doesn't it ever happen to you?
Bartender: Can’t say that it has.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Listen here, is it my fault I had to flee into the sea from a murderous Mongol army? I bet that if it were YOU who had been clinging for dear life to a ship's propeller, you might be just dizzy enough after all that spinning that the first question out of your mouth would be: where the hell am I?
Bartender: Seems to me you’ve had enough for one evening.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Had enough of what?
Customer: Sake!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Sake?
Customer: More sssake! And for this soaking wet pile of bedsheets, too. My treat!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Well… I’m certainly not going to refuse if you’re offering. A quick drink might do me some good.
Customer: It will do you a world of good! Come, let's sit at the table and drink; it's more fun to drink together.
O.G. Ghostwriter: What is this? Where are all the chairs? Am I supposed to scramble down onto the floor? Ouch, my knee! I’ll never get back up from here on my own...
Customer: Barkeep! Bring a bottle of sake for me and my travel-worn friend, and have a shot yourself. It’s on me!
O.G. Ghostwriter: …and where am I supposed to tuck my robe’s wet hem? There. Well, let’s start by first figuring out where I’ve ended up.
Customer: You could ask where anyone ends up in life. And can you ever really know for sure where you are and where you’re going next? Too many questions! Have a drink.
O.G. Ghostwriter: I won't, not until you tell me where we are.
Bartender: You, my pale friend, have arrived on the island of Hirado.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Hmm, I wonder if I could reach Tokyo from here on foot. You couldn't get me back on the sea even in pieces. I’ve got to find a map of Japan somewhere so I can orient myself properly and –
Customer: Let’s toast to that! Here, take it, have some sake.
O.G. Ghostwriter: For goodness's sake, this is warm?
Bartender: It’s supposed to be.
O.G. Ghostwriter: What will they think of next, warm beer? Well, when in Rome. Kanpai! Let's taste... the flavor is surprisingly mild, watery even... quite good, actually...
Customer: Let me pour you a bit more.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Thank you, but this is quite enough for me. I need a clear head if I intend to make travel plans. And frankly, the warmth of the drink is a bit off-putting.
Customer: Tell you what, here’s my two cents: nothing warms the soul like warm sssake.
O.G. Ghostwriter: Actually, I’ve always thought that –
Customer: Always buy the cheapest possible sake! When you heat it up, the warmth masks the bad flavor and makes the swill easier to gulp down. There’s no sense in buying expensive, high-quality sssake just to get drunk when you can buy the cheapest possible filth and drink away all the problems just for the hell of it!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Noted.
Customer: Hey, hey, hey! Hey? You’re a ghost!
O.G. Ghostwriter: I am not a ghost; I am an author. Granted, one living on the wrong side of the tracks.
Customer: Have you come to take me to the other side?
O.G. Ghostwriter: Well, actually, I’m going to go...
Customer: I’m not ready to go! I’m too young!
O.G. Ghostwriter: I was hoping to reap the benefits of...
Customer: I’m not ready to meet my reaper!
O.G. Ghostwriter: As I was saying, my final destination...
Customer: Don’t take me to my final destination! I still have so much to give to the world, if only I could get my affairs in order... and a loan of a hundred thousand yen!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Never mind, I’ll just drink my sake now.
Bartender: It’s none of my business, really, but here in Japan, we have a folk tale called "Drinking Sake with a Ghost," where a man ends up spending the evening with a mysterious ghost dressed in lingerie, and this particular specter has a fondness for sake…
O.G. Ghostwriter: …
Bartender: …and of course, there is the legend of the shōjō, a mythical sea spirit with a face like a baboon and a fondness for sake…
O.G. Ghostwriter: …
Bartender: …and the story of the kappa, a cucumber-gobbling, frog-faced water monster that terrifies innocent people and also has a fondness for sake –
O.G. Ghostwriter: Listen here, I am not some sake-sipping sprite from a Japanese folk tale! I am an anthropomorphic manifestation with real feelings, sorrows, griefs, and problems with creditors.
Customer: My mother told me those stories when I was little… Mother, mother, why did you forsake me!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Oh, for the Shogun’s sake.
Customer: My mother couldn't stand it when I drank away her entire fortune!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Oh, for the love of the Seven Samurai.
Customer: And she kicked me out like… like a common beggar! WAAAAH!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Stop crying this instant! You're splashing snot everywhere; we need a handkerchief here!
Customer: WAAAAAAH! SNORT! SNIFF!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Great, you just blew your nose into my robe.
Bartender: Gentlemen, I hate to interrupt, but here’s the bill.
Customer: I got a paper cut from the bill! It’s bleeding! I’m going to faint!
O.G. Ghostwriter: ‘Tis but a scratch – ‘tis bleeding like a sieve…
Customer: I need a bandage! Give me a bandage!
O.G. Ghostwriter: Do I look like someone who carries bandages around? Stop touching me! Great. Now you’ve smeared blood all over me. There’s a large, red, circular stain right in the middle of my white robe's chest.
Customer: (Sniffle. Stare. Sip.)
Bartender: You know, that reminds me of something…
O.G. Ghostwriter: Feeling national, are we?
Bartender: In Japanese folklore, we also have a legend of Aka Manto. He’s a malicious spirit in a red cloak who haunts innocent people…
O.G. Ghostwriter: And let me guess, has a fondness for sake?
Customer: Sounds like a miserable fate. Should we have a little more sssake to commemorate that? My treat.
O. G. Ghostwriter: Why not? Make it as warm as possible.
...
Next Chapter: Coming soon...
Previous Chapter: Ghostwriter of Tsushima
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