Battle Royale: Haiku War

So, the situation is that I am a prisoner of the yakuza. Standing before me is a very angry-looking lady, whom I shall henceforth refer to as the Boss, as she leads the pack of rats that ghostnapped me while I was innocently spending time in the park. They threw me into a car trunk, and delivered me to this miserable shack; and I must say, I intend to leave a blistering letter of complaint about all of this to the Tokyo embassy. I wouldn't recommend this experience to friends or acquaintances – possibly would recommend it to some relatives…

Boss: What are you muttering, gaijin? Know that you are in great trouble, and you won't get away with this by acting crazy.

O.G. Ghostwriter: Usually, feigning madness helps in these situations.

Boss: You have insulted the honor of my niece and our family! In Nippon, that kind of behaviour is not looked upon kindly. It is time for a battle!

O.G. Ghostwriter: No, no battles, no thank you, not again. Couldn't I just atone for my crime with money? Which I don't actually have at the moment, but I can certainly write a check… one as worthless as my promises...

Boss: The only thing you’ll be writing here is haikus. According to tradition, disputes are settled by writing haikus.

O.G. Ghostwriter: By writing haikus? 

Boss: It will be a duel, the last fighter standing wins… unless I flip the script and have the boys jump you as a pack. 

O.G. Ghostwriter: Those pea-brained guard dogs of yours trying to write poetry? Sounds like a fair fight to me. 



Boss: The structure of a haiku is as follows. Three lines, syllables five-seven-five…

O.G. Ghostwriter: So now I have to learn how to count, too? Mathematics is not my forte.

Boss: ...and although the topic is open in this competition, the goal in haikus is normally to present two distinct thoughts or images, usually related to nature…

O.G: Ghostwriter: …I’m already distinct by nature…

Boss: Enough talk! Let’s begin the warm-up round. You can have the blue pen, I will take the purple one. Since you are our guest and know nothing of haikus, I shall start.

O.G. Ghostwriter: Oh. Well, thanks. I guess. 

Boss: 

Poor ghost, so lonely
Far away from your homeland
Blown away by winds

O.G. Ghostwriter: Straight into personal attacks! I need to respond sharply. I have to count the syllables, but how did it go again? If I had a natural knack for numbers, I would have studied something more useful than the humanities. Well, I’ll just pull something out of thin air…

Maybe you lead the pack
But this miserable shack
Is cleaned by nobody

Boss: No, no, no, all wrong! Lucky for you it was just a warm-up round. From now on, it’s sudden death. Whoever makes a syllable error next loses the entire match. 

O.G. Ghostwriter: Sudden death, eh? Been there, done that, not at all what I expected. But let’s play. 

Boss:

Ghost in his daydreams
Like the rising sun above
Yet gives off no light

O.G. Ghostwriter:

Stop with the insults!
I am starting to get sick
of this whole business! 

Boss: You’re starting to get the hang of this!

O.G. Ghostwriter: Am I? ...well, alright then.

Boss:

The wind brings to me
Delicate cherry blossoms
Drifting in the air

O.G. Ghostwriter: Huh? Now we’re talking about flowers instead of insulting me. I find this suspicious, but if it’s flowers they want, flowers they’ll get.

Potato blossoms 
Yet no one ever bothers
To notice the blooms

Boss:

Shadows claim your path
Like the grain out in the field
Bend to your ruin

O.G. Ghostwriter:

I bend when needed
You do not, I wonder now
Who is liked the best?

Boss:

Ghost, remember this!
An elderly person is
Given your respect!

O.G. Ghostwriter:

I shall wait for a 
Formal apology then
Oh, and flowers too

Boss:

What makes you think that
I owe anything to you?
Justify yourself!

O.G. Ghostwriter: 

I’m original
Been here since the ancient times
I’m still working, too!

Boss:

Why you little 
piece of sh…

O.G.Ghostwriter: Unless I am completely mistaken, my lady, you made a counting error!

Boss: But I didn't even...

O.G. Ghostwriter: Haha! I won!

Boss: I have lost to a ghost. My honor is gone. Seppuku is my only option.

O.G. Ghostwriter: I enjoy filling out sudokus myself, but I wouldn't necessarily care to start working on them right now.

Boss: Not sudoku, seppuku! It’s all bushidō!

O.G. Ghostwriter: There’s really no need for that kind of language.

Boss: Guards! Take this repulsive creature out of here this instant!

O.G. Ghostwriter: I can find my own way out, let the boys try to write the first line of their own haikus. It was fun counting syllables together; I hope we never do it again. Mrrrhhh... Here is what I think of this whole ordeal:

Sharp and wicked mind            
Master of all words, is she?
Yet heartless within!


...

Next Chapter: Japanese Door Code

Previous Chapter: Interlude: Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

O.G. Ghostwriter

Image
The lifelessness I've led has made me into the grand writer I am today. There was a time when I lurked in the cellars of the Paris Opera House, singing songs and wearing masks, a time when I commanded The Flying Dutchman, braving the seas and bringing disaster with me everywhere I sailed, and a time when I challenged Hamlet to decide whether to be or not to be – personally, that wasn't much of a problem for me, for I once was but no longer am. During my long haunting years I have experienced so much. The next logical step is to write my own experiences into a book, and that is exactly what I'm doing.  Behold! My autobiography, Confessions of O.G. Ghostwriter , a masterpiece just waiting to be written. I shall describe in excruciating detail everything that has ever happened to me. It’s going to be a banger. The quill is sharpened and the inkwell opened; now, let the magic happen! I shall think for a moment. What would be a brilliant beginning for my grand novel? "It wa...
Read more

The Nightmare Before Halloween

Image
What a night! Drizzle and despair, death and desolation! Darkness has fallen over the land, and October has driven everybody indoors to whine and complain about the weather. The terrible weather suits me just fine, for I’ve never felt more unalive!  A good day, in short. No external writing assignments in sight, and I’ve also unplugged my fax machine, so I can continue writing my latest novel in peace. This time, I'm trying a stream-of-consciousness technique. The working title of the book is “Ghost of the Cloth”. It’s a riveting story about a young ghost choosing a suitable sheet to wear from his grandmother's linen closet while other ghost relatives argue nearby. I'll describe the difficulty of making a choice over a whopping 900 pages. This is sure to be a massive hit! Hmm, let's see... "I’ll tell this secret to you alone, this linen I have chosen will never be my own…” The doorbell rings! Oh, for crying out loud, who could that be at this hour? How do I look? I...
Read more

Matcha Made in Heaven

Image
Dear Diary! I am in Korea for reasons you already know. Hanging out at the subway stations has allowed me to focus on the essentials, namely writing my latest bestseller-to-be, "K-Style Tips for Fashion-Impaired Travelers." Here is a small excerpt: "In Korea, the favored dress code is primarily black or white, possibly grey if you happen to be in a particularly wild mood. Travelers dressed in white sheets can therefore breathe a sigh of relief, as wearing your signature outfit will ensure you blend into the enviable crowd of style icons as easily as matcha powder into hot water..." Pretty good stuff, huh? It's guaranteed to fly off bookstore shelves faster than you can say: Buy my books, because I desperately need the money!  Speaking of matcha… I am currently writing this diary entry in a trendy cafe like some chic modern-day ghoul, and I'm just going to say, the cafe business has gone to hell! I tried to order a plain coffee with milk, and I was asked if I...
Read more